SAVE MONEY, BUY A PRINTER

Say hello to my new, all-in-one, Brother MFC-J615w multifunctional fax/copier/scanner/printer with wireless capability, widescreen color LCD display, and printing speed of 35ppm. Its primary purpose? 

This multifunctional printer serves but one purpose

To indulge in my new hobby- COUPONS. I have not realized my full cost-cutting potential until now. With the help of certain knowledgeable, coupon-savvy bloggers and websites, I am on the road to becoming a good, productive, diligent, money-saving wifey. And I'm quite proud of myself. I will no longer solely rely on Publix Buy One Get One Free, or Kroger 10 for $10 deals. I will be the Coupon-Queen-of-the-Universe and dispense out those suckers until my final receipt says Total Cost: Free. I will no longer buy anything at full retail price. All things, from dentist appointments to toilet paper from yogurt to eating out at restaurants, will be accompanied by a shameless coupon yielded from my Brother MFC-J615w all-in-one printer (which I saved $50 on in instant savings).

My source of inspiration?

The Krazy Coupon Lady

My sources of coupon-cutting-glorious-deals-of-delight?

SmartSource.com
Coupons.com
CouponCabin.com
RedPlum.com
DealCatcher.com
SlickDeals.net
Groupon.com
LivingSocial.com
ScoutMob.com

HOW TO GET MORE HUGS FROM HUBBY

I've developed a most unusual desire to buy a pair of fuzzy fleece sleepwear- preferably one that is an imitation of some sort of animal- like a panda bear, with a matching hood.

There are several advantages to wearing such an outfit while lounging at home:

1) Sufficient warmth from black and white fleece and hoodie.
2) Extra baggy, unrestrained comfort and flexibility for cooking, cleaning, and cuddling maneuvers.
3) Adequate coverage with panda's stubby tail.
4) Significant decrease in hubby's length of anger.
5) Sudden increase in energy and voice pitch.
6) More hugs from hubby.
7) Intimidate strangers at the door with a simple downward flip of the hood.
8) Frighten away thieves with Kung-Fu Panda moves and growling noises.
9) Frolic with other neighborhood pets and outdoor animals.
10) Gain the ability to hibernate after eating large amounts of food.

(Pandas do not hibernate, but a wifey-in-a-panda-pajama-costume can).

TRANSPORTATION HUMILIATION

Shuttle bus of horrors

I fought diligently to remain by the bus doors where the metal pillars were, but as more and more people entered the bus, I was shoved towards the forsaken middle ground where I had no choice but to reach for a useless piece of metal 5 feet above my head. Go-go gadget arms? No, of course not. The world conspires against me. I tried not to glare at the tall male student sitting comfortably in the seat in front of me as I swayed precariously to and fro on the shuttle bus that was transporting me haphazardly from the hospital to the parking garage. Quite literally on my toes, with three fingers barely wrapped around the horizontal pole above me, I inwardly cursed at my luck.

Of course he (the tall, male student) had every right to be sitting in that seat, but I somehow found it difficult to forgive this stranger who was watching me struggle like a child reaching for a lollipop some bully was waving high above his head.

Go-go gadget arms! (See Inspector Gadget)

My legs were weary from working a 12 hour shift so I took even more irrational offense at his comfortable and uneventful ride while I was in fear of making a fool out of myself by stumbling around and/or falling on this student in front of me. Maybe that was what he deserved, but I would much rather be sitting than plotting revenge on an unassuming, innocent young man. Somewhat innocent.

In any other circumstance, I would be traveling with hubby- which then would greatly rectify the bus issue. I would naturally use hubby as my support device, an anchor, an immovable pillar of fortitude. If ever a sudden bump on the road would throw me off balance, I would rely on hubby to promptly, and swiftly rescue me. He would also use his body to shield me from the masses, or guide me quickly to an open seat.

So by being on this shuttle, by being abused and mocked indirectly for being 5'2", I gained precious insight into how valuable hubby is in my life. Thank you, hubby, for being my hero on the buses and trains of my life.

THE WIZARD AND THE SCRAT-EFFECT

What do you get when you combine a magic-wielding wizard's head with 14 copper-plated spider legs?

This thing

Contrary to belief, this is not a torture device from the 100th installment of the SAW series, or Chuckie's new toy partner in an upcoming Child's Play. It's not some sort of newly conceived boogeyman to keep children away from eating candy either. Instead, imagine this contraption dancing atop your head.

Don't do this in public

As it does so, it sends shivers down the spine- causing shoulders to shrug awkwardly up to the ears, arms to curl inwardly towards each other in a modified fetal position, and one eye to twitch manically. If any one image could sum this up it would look something like Scrat from Ice Age.

The Scrat Position

If someone were to watch you objectively, they might believe you were in the beginning throes of a grand-mal seizure. And that's before the jerking-shivering-spasms.

The jerking-shivering-spasms take you to another level. One minute you're looking like Scrat from Ice Age, and the next you're looking like the extreme rabid version of Scrat as you shiver, jerk awkwardly, spasm, and unbeknownst to you, slobber from the corner of your widely gaping mouth. Afterwards, it can make you feel like a failure to society and to the advancement of all mankind.

Product description is as follows: Spine-tingling bliss. The Tingler gently massages the scalp, touching acupressure points to create goosebumps and shivers of delight. It causes a heightened, blissful activation of the senses, awakening your brain while relaxing your whole being. Lots of folks say their headaches disappear. All we know is that it's the most divine, relaxing, goosebumpy, erotic, friend-making, healing Head Massager ever made. If you want something that gives you goose-bumps and exhilarating, toe-curling pleasure that you can still do in public, this is it!

If you've placed some sort of value on your reputation- or life; if you have a modicum of pride in being of higher intelligence than, oh, an amoeba; do not host any sort of "tingler" party for "friend-making" purposes. You may end up showing your Scrat-face to everyone. Do not be fooled into thinking you can carry this in your purse or use this device in public without risk of incarceration for possession of a weapon or for lewd and inappropriate behavior.

Against all said contradictions, hubby swears by this device saying it delivers a pleasureable head massage worthy of its $20 pricetag. I beg to differ. Maybe it's a difference in hormones, hair length, or surface area, but whenever this contraption "tingles" my head, after assuming the Scrat position for several seconds, I develop an overwhelming desire to go on a feral rampage to rip fluffy things apart with my incisors. I tend to look more like this:

While hubby is the king of Narnia, I internalize the likeness of Wolverine with his mutant claws slowly scraping its way down a chalkboard while transforming into Freddy Krueger.

K.O.

Take a moment to imagine that- without grinding your teeth together.

Perhaps you would find it easier to relate this to a popular emo chick flick- Twilight? Because hubby is Edward gleefully frolicking through the forest with Bella.

Edward- staring at Bella's carotid artery

I am the vamp-chick about to break Edward's head off.

Is that... is that lice?!

I have hidden "Wizard." I have manipulated its legs into hideous, un-massageable positions. I have flattened it, thrown it, shoved it under the bed into the deep unreachable zone where only dust bunnies linger. I have cursed it and growled at it- my animosity knows no bounds. And why? Is it because I receive no gratification from this device with its skinny little dancing copper legs?

It's because as we lie in bed at night prepared to sleep, I must weave this contraption around and around hubby's head until my arm trembles from muscle fatigue, until my fingers become numb, until my eyelids feel like they've been forsaken from their God-given duty to close. While I may not enjoy "Wizard" stimulating my scalp nerves, hubby is enthralled with it so much so that I am appointed the high role of head masseuse several nights a week. After a great deal of whining, tantrum-throwing, moaning and groaning about the good old days before the "Wizard" came into existence, I have the energy and mental capacity for 30 seconds-worth of head massaging with this device before my arm flops down dead and lifeless on the bed. I then move onto more important things- like sleep. Sometimes I am prompted to continue, and sadly, the cycle only repeats itself. Hubby frowns upon my inconsiderate and rebellious nature, of which I cannot deny.

I must therefore remind myself that hubby gives this wifey lengthy massages without complaint, nor eye rolls nor pouts of annoyance. If hubby is capable of such selflessness, surely I, then, should be able to take a spider-wizard torture-device look-alike and give back to the good hubby an equal measure of the good wife.

Surely.

WHERE, O DEATH, IS NOW THY STING?

As someone who becomes all too easily emotionally detached, I find myself instead, opening up to the reality and the heartbreaks of this world. Amidst the facade of medicine, of fact and logical answers, I surrender instead to the anger, the disappointment, frustration, anxiety, denial, and the light of hope, the strength of God-given love that surround me in the hospital.

A dear patient has passed away, and together with the family by their loved one's side, we said our goodbyes hand in hand, heads bowed in prayer. God's Glory is manifest through the solidarity of a brother's love, the compassionate hand of daughters, the overflowing heart of a mother, the precious voice of grandchildren as they sang Christmas songs into their Grampy's ear one last time.

The body that turns cold and pale. The family that must eventually turn around and go home. The nurse who continues to work until her shift is over. Where once I stood back and watched from afar, now I am no longer so hesitant to step forward and acknowledge the legitimacy- the reality of their situation. I am painfully aware that it could be my loved one lying in that hospital bed, sick, hurting, scared, dying- a beloved husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, grandparent, friend.

Sometimes families mourn in turmoil, sometimes in peace, but always in true and utter heartbreak for the loss of a once tangible and vibrant life. What's left in the end is the hope in eternity.

I pray that God will guide me in the Spirit to have the strength of heart and mind to be as real with these patients and families as they are with me in their most desperate time of need.

Where, O death, is now thy sting?
Swallowed up in victory!
The Lord of glory reigns on high,
Sov'reign over earth and sky.
Yes, he triumphed o'er the grave
And he comes again one day.
What lesser name shall draw our praise?
For Christ has conquered all!
For Christ has conquered all!

-Kristie Braselton

TOP 15 MOMENTS IN KOREA

1.

Eating all of hubby's food on the airplane

in addition to my own

2.

Being bitten mercilessly by blood-sucking mosquitos while sleeping,

then going on a midnight rampage to kill them all

Kills: Humans 5 Mosquitos 0

3.

Guilt-tripping these actors into taking a photo with us Americans
who traveled 14 hours across the sea

just to watch them march around Namsan Tower

4.
Freaking myself out by imagining capture by North Koreans at the DMZ border

5.
Taking a somewhat inappropriate picture with stuffed bears

6.

Yelling at hubby for buying these overpriced green-tea dusted chocolate squares,

then consuming them ravenously

7.

Sitting on a heated bidet seat for the first time,

then taking a picture in response to my fascination with it

8.
Dripping globs of snot while feasting on this Korean fish egg soup

9.

Attempting to rid my shoes of 10 lbs of sand,

and almost losing them in the Pacific Ocean

10.

Failing to realize the constraints of my gastrointestinal system,

consuming coma-inducing quantities of food at this buffet restaurant

The facial expression I restrained for above picture

11.

Discovering that sweet pickles and jalapenos are

apparently now part of a staple korean diet

12.

Battling frustratingly with a strawberry jam packet

(See simple corner image)

Conquering jam packet 10 minutes later,

then proclaiming the ingenuity of its packaging repetitively- in awe

13.

Politely sipping coffee at this revolving cafe with live music,

then dancing enthusiastically when positioned behind the cafe
where we could not be observed

14.

Refusing to comprehend how a dump truck could somehow be related to a Mercedes-Benz

15.

 Creating a sunrise with our hands and inner power. Hadouken! 

(See Street Fighter)

End.

COUNTRY BUMPKIN FASHIONISTA

My agenda is simple. I must purchase decently stylish clothes so I don't look like a total loser when I'm walking the streets of fashion-savvy capital Seoul, South Korea.

Hubby is shaking his head and sighing at the sheer gravity of what this means for our bank account. $$$. Gone. Like the wind. I keep assuring hubby that it will be money well spent. After all, his relatives are being introduced to this wifey for the first time. I need to represent, but my fall wardrobe is a little country bumpkin compared to what I'll be encountering in the "real city." Shouldn't then "real money" be spent?

Ok, ok. More like:

Limited to sales items and outlet stores.