Thursday, September 2, 2010


"It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife." Proverbs 21:19

I have a way about me- perhaps the bipolar side of me, that delves out the disdainful looks, the unemotional coldness, the biting remarks. Friends and acquaintances are relatively safe, but my immediate family members, and my newly acquired hubby receive the brunt of my psychosis. They undergo periods of extreme dislike towards me, to the point where I'm sure they envision themselves reaching into my chest, yanking my heart out and crushing it in their fist while making Bruce Lee noises.

I will rip your heart out!
Props to hubby for sticking by me, and loving me all the same- even more.

Having been raised by a perfectionist for a mother, I admit, I have adopted some of her ways. The things she repetitiously told me throughout the years are the very things I find coming out of my mouth. "You know, you shouldn't do-" this, and "it's not good to do-" that. I nag about hubby not following OCD guidelines, I nag about his eating habits, and I nag about his driving skills like a certified professional backseat driver. If I spy hubby doing something incorrectly, inefficiently, or not to my standards, there's no end to my extremely worthless and annoying NAGGING.

I can see the kind of precarious teetering I am doing on the fence between the encouragement I can be to hubby, and the discouragement I can be to him as well. There is too much criticism on my part and not enough praise and validation. I must calm my inner beast in order to make hubby a content man in a peaceful home. Though I have the compulsion to point out every flaw, every mistake- seeing them sadly as "teaching opportunities"- I believe that God desires more faith from me- faith to pray on my husband's behalf, faith that God's will for my husband is greater than my own, and that ultimately, buying two overpriced, calorie-loaded milkshakes at the ball game with much disapproval from me, won't matter in the long run. Especially for God's purposes.

Ends lives slowly
If only old habits could be changed by pushing a button on your nose, or coughing really hard. But no. I continue daily to struggle against myself, the old nature, the inexplicable urge to vomit out useless, destructive, harmful rhetoric. This becomes more evident if I leave the Bible untouched in my drawer. It is God's Word, Christ's example of perfect love, that inspires me and instills in me a desire to become the Good Wife. Failing in every way to remain spiritually faithful these days, I find myself sorely lacking in grace, in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. And so, spiritually in a rut, I have become the proverbial "Bad Wife," the quarrelsome, annoying, nagging, you-would-be-better-off-alone-on-a-deserted-island wife.

How can a man learn to love a "Bad Wife," and how can two flawed and ragged people come to love each other? While writing this entry, I remember once again that God is faithful. And that's the only thing that has ever sustained us. With all the sin, shortcomings and failures, we are thoroughly a product of God's grace.


Arom said...

No matter what, I love you wholeheartdly

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