SO YOU WANT TO JUICE

Step 1:

Watch the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 

Supplement with the video Forks over Knives,

and be brainwashed inspired to drink pure vegetable-fruit juice

Step 2:

Buy a juicer that costs you a small fortune but is built like a jet engine,
(sounds like one too)

and gets the job done, fast

Breville Juice Fountain Elite

Step 3:

Buy fruits and vegetables in bulk and prepare yourself to receive comments like-

"you must really like carrots" as you pile bags of them into your cart

Step 4:

Again, prepare yourself to receive wide-eyed stares from the cashier as you check out with

bags of celery, carrots, kale, apples, pears, lemons, spinach, cucumbers, some ginger,

and nothing else

Step 5:

Go home and wash fruits and vegetables

Step 6:

Washing fruits and vegetables takes a long time

Step 7:

Prepare your workstation with-

a cutting board, knife, and juicer

2-3 Large apples (preferably Fuji) and/or pears 

1 Lemon (optional to remove skin)

5-8 Carrots
1 Celery stalk 

1 Cucumber

1 Bunch of kale and/or spinach 

Half-of-a-half of a thumb-sized piece of ginger

Step 8:

Prepare your fruits and vegetables

Slice apples into quarters, pears into halves, cut off tops of carrots

Step 9:

Place small plastic bag into the juicer's waste container

Enjoy shoving fruits and vegetables down the chute

Observe juice coming out the other end (makes about 3-6 cups)

Step 10:

Color should be a puke brown/orange/green color with foam on top

Discard foam

Taste-test and find it much more agreeable than what you thought

Step 11:

If hubby should choose to do a 2-week juice fast,

make juice in bulk (lasts in refrigerator for 72 hours)

Step 12:

For the next 2 weeks DO NOT MENTION FOOD

Do not microwave nor cook anything you cannot completely ventilate out,

or mask the scent of with candles and air fresheners

Step 13:

When eating anything, cower in the corner of the room, 

stuff face quickly, glance around for signs of hubby

Do the Scrat

Step 14:

Be prepared to endure hubby's early bedtimes and bad moods as he approaches day 2 & 3

This does not go away until after oh... day 14

Step 15:

Be surprised at end results 

Happy juicing

End.